Back to school I go...

After being away from school for almost 3 months, I took the biggest step of faith I have had to take so far and came back to school this Monday. My mom came with me both for support and for extra help getting my classroom back in working order. It has sat empty since the middle of December. I am very very blessed to have the terrific classes that I have, the support of the entire department as well as the administration and am constantly offered help from other teachers...but emotionally this week has been one of my hardest yet.

The halls of this school as well as my classroom itself bring back alot of memories that I now have to face every single day. The last time I was at school was December 1st. Beth had just had Gabriel the previous day, and I remember getting ready for school that day (having no idea it would be my last until February 21st)and talking to Brie (as I always did) and telling her that we only had two more weeks to go, but since Aunt Beth had had Gabriel early, I remember telling her "Well,Brie it's just you and me for the rest of this journey. Only two weeks from today!" Little did I know that as I spent that last day at school, Brie had already passed away. We have been able to trace back, due to her most active movements during that last week, that she passed away the same day her cousin Gabriel was born, November 30.


Now here I am back in these same halls, almost three months later with a sad heart, a grieving spirit and an empty womb. It's difficult to walk the hallways that I walked through the majority of my pregnancy, full of excitement and anticipation of what the new year would bring. It's emotionally difficult to be alone in my classroom with all of the dreams and plans I made since I started teaching here in 2008. I even planned many of the details of our wedding in this classroom. When I first found out I was pregnant and had terrible nausea, I kept little candies and mints in my desk drawer and on more than one occasion had to go step out in the hall to take a breath to avoid throwing up! I returned to this classroom after many morning doctor's visits in the fall and winter. In fact, for the month of November, I came in late every Friday due to doctor's appointments.

Now, it's difficult when students I've had in the past wave at me or stop to give me a hug in the halls or tell me their church is praying for me.... or seeing other teachers who have had babies since Brie passed away, and their babies are fine and healthy and alive...and yet here I stand. I don't want to break down in sobs in the middle of school and so I choke back the tears and instead save them for when I go home and I feel safe to grieve.


Since the funeral, I have visited Brie's grave twice and brought new flowers every time. I cry everytime I visit the cemetery, not because she is in pain or suffering or that she is even there in that grave. I know that she is dancing with her Savior in a place I can only imagine...but my tears are for me and my heart and my silly little plans I had made and all the things I had looked forward to doing over the years as her mommy. The tears allow me to heal and it's only through shedding those tears and facing these scary school halls for the rest of the semester that my grieving will be complete and we'll be able to handle the future and what it holds, trying so hard not to keep turning around and dwelling on where we've been.


One thing is for sure: I will always love that sweet little girl that I had with me only 38 weeks, and I will forever be changed by my time with her. I have hope for more children, and I trust God to bring me children that will live. I have hope to be a mommy here on earth and carry out all the earthly dreams I had for Brie with other children. I think only through more children will my joy return to me. But in the meantime, I will face every day back at school and try to keep my eyes facing forward.

I Go Back to December All the Time...

Brie was born on December 3rd, and since then I have either been given or have made various things to help me always remember her.
1.) PJ gave me a charm bracelet for my birthday in October and now finds charms for me for different holidays or birthdays. These are my three favorite charms. The green is PJ's birthstone, the pink is mine and the light blue is Brie's. I love that these three are together on my bracelet and on my arm everyday.
2.) My mom gave me a beatiful remembrance bracelet wth Brie's name engraved (her birthday is engraved on the back.)
3.) As Brie's memorial service approaches next Saturday, I find it helps me to make things that will help me remember my sweet girl, and I just finished her shadow box. It has taken me over a month to make this...I would start working on it, have a meltdown and have to start again a few days later. I am really happy with how it turned out.
4.) I am also grateful to the nurses at Lexington Medical Center for giving me Brie's handprints and footprints in plaster, and I display them on my nightstand to start each day seeing. I especially love that it captures the fact that she had PJ's toes...her second toe is longer than her first toe.

Amid the sadness, these are a few things that help to give me hope during the days and weeks ahead.

Two months later

Well, it's February 3rd, which means it's been two months since we lost our sweet Brie. Two months seems like a long time, and sometimes it does seem that it was years ago that I was pregnant and Brie was alive and kicking and dancing in my belly. Was it just two months ago that I held my sweet girl? That I gazed at her beautiful lips, dark head of hair...daddy's feet and ears...so sweet and perfect... and kept waiting for her to wake up or start crying. She had the most adorable little nose. Now, two months later it's so hard for me to see babies. I used to love seeing babies everywhere and looked forward to my own babies. Since the day my youngest sister Aly was born (19 years ago) and I held her and saw how teeny tiny all of her little features were and how much she changed from day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year, I couldn't wait until I held my own baby in my arms. Why, God? Why can't I have this with Brie? Remind me why we had to go throught this experience? Is there any good that will come from all this sadness?

As time passes, I have come to realize that PJ and I grieve very differently. When I'm upset I want to be in Brie's room, sit in her rocker, look at her pictures...really be immersed in everything I have of her. Her blanket still very faintly smells like her, and I think this is my way of having her with me. PJ grieves much differently, quietly but just as strongly. Things that bring me hope and peace are scriptures of hope and peace, and I find the longer time passes the less I blame God and the more I am running to Jesus to find my comfort.
I know that my Brie is in heaven with Jesus, and I know there is no pain or sorrow in heaven so I have to trust that she is in the best hands she could be in....but it's still so difficult to me, her mommmy, that I can't see her again until the day I die...it's hard...I want to hear a baby crying...I want to see her grow like her cousin Gabe has grown since he was born (three days before Brie.) How much would Brie have changed? What would she look like now? My heart aches because I miss my girl all the time. Yes, we will have more children but I'll never have my Brie...
On a good note, every day, week, month that passes life gets a little bit easier to face. I feel like I'm not hiding from the world like I used to...I am able to face more things and routines. Yesterday I was able to go to school...only for an hour or so...but it was a huge step. I return to school in two weeks and I'm confident that it will be a difficult day but one more step forward.
I will never ever forget my Brie girl. I will always have a place for her in my heart, but I do look forward in the next few years of hearing my children's cries and laughs in our house.So as Brie's memorial service approaches in a little over a week, and we prepare for the emotions that will come from that day I do look forward to some closure, but inevitably I look forward to a better day.