Back to school I go...

After being away from school for almost 3 months, I took the biggest step of faith I have had to take so far and came back to school this Monday. My mom came with me both for support and for extra help getting my classroom back in working order. It has sat empty since the middle of December. I am very very blessed to have the terrific classes that I have, the support of the entire department as well as the administration and am constantly offered help from other teachers...but emotionally this week has been one of my hardest yet.

The halls of this school as well as my classroom itself bring back alot of memories that I now have to face every single day. The last time I was at school was December 1st. Beth had just had Gabriel the previous day, and I remember getting ready for school that day (having no idea it would be my last until February 21st)and talking to Brie (as I always did) and telling her that we only had two more weeks to go, but since Aunt Beth had had Gabriel early, I remember telling her "Well,Brie it's just you and me for the rest of this journey. Only two weeks from today!" Little did I know that as I spent that last day at school, Brie had already passed away. We have been able to trace back, due to her most active movements during that last week, that she passed away the same day her cousin Gabriel was born, November 30.


Now here I am back in these same halls, almost three months later with a sad heart, a grieving spirit and an empty womb. It's difficult to walk the hallways that I walked through the majority of my pregnancy, full of excitement and anticipation of what the new year would bring. It's emotionally difficult to be alone in my classroom with all of the dreams and plans I made since I started teaching here in 2008. I even planned many of the details of our wedding in this classroom. When I first found out I was pregnant and had terrible nausea, I kept little candies and mints in my desk drawer and on more than one occasion had to go step out in the hall to take a breath to avoid throwing up! I returned to this classroom after many morning doctor's visits in the fall and winter. In fact, for the month of November, I came in late every Friday due to doctor's appointments.

Now, it's difficult when students I've had in the past wave at me or stop to give me a hug in the halls or tell me their church is praying for me.... or seeing other teachers who have had babies since Brie passed away, and their babies are fine and healthy and alive...and yet here I stand. I don't want to break down in sobs in the middle of school and so I choke back the tears and instead save them for when I go home and I feel safe to grieve.


Since the funeral, I have visited Brie's grave twice and brought new flowers every time. I cry everytime I visit the cemetery, not because she is in pain or suffering or that she is even there in that grave. I know that she is dancing with her Savior in a place I can only imagine...but my tears are for me and my heart and my silly little plans I had made and all the things I had looked forward to doing over the years as her mommy. The tears allow me to heal and it's only through shedding those tears and facing these scary school halls for the rest of the semester that my grieving will be complete and we'll be able to handle the future and what it holds, trying so hard not to keep turning around and dwelling on where we've been.


One thing is for sure: I will always love that sweet little girl that I had with me only 38 weeks, and I will forever be changed by my time with her. I have hope for more children, and I trust God to bring me children that will live. I have hope to be a mommy here on earth and carry out all the earthly dreams I had for Brie with other children. I think only through more children will my joy return to me. But in the meantime, I will face every day back at school and try to keep my eyes facing forward.