Two months later

Well, it's February 3rd, which means it's been two months since we lost our sweet Brie. Two months seems like a long time, and sometimes it does seem that it was years ago that I was pregnant and Brie was alive and kicking and dancing in my belly. Was it just two months ago that I held my sweet girl? That I gazed at her beautiful lips, dark head of hair...daddy's feet and ears...so sweet and perfect... and kept waiting for her to wake up or start crying. She had the most adorable little nose. Now, two months later it's so hard for me to see babies. I used to love seeing babies everywhere and looked forward to my own babies. Since the day my youngest sister Aly was born (19 years ago) and I held her and saw how teeny tiny all of her little features were and how much she changed from day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year, I couldn't wait until I held my own baby in my arms. Why, God? Why can't I have this with Brie? Remind me why we had to go throught this experience? Is there any good that will come from all this sadness?

As time passes, I have come to realize that PJ and I grieve very differently. When I'm upset I want to be in Brie's room, sit in her rocker, look at her pictures...really be immersed in everything I have of her. Her blanket still very faintly smells like her, and I think this is my way of having her with me. PJ grieves much differently, quietly but just as strongly. Things that bring me hope and peace are scriptures of hope and peace, and I find the longer time passes the less I blame God and the more I am running to Jesus to find my comfort.
I know that my Brie is in heaven with Jesus, and I know there is no pain or sorrow in heaven so I have to trust that she is in the best hands she could be in....but it's still so difficult to me, her mommmy, that I can't see her again until the day I die...it's hard...I want to hear a baby crying...I want to see her grow like her cousin Gabe has grown since he was born (three days before Brie.) How much would Brie have changed? What would she look like now? My heart aches because I miss my girl all the time. Yes, we will have more children but I'll never have my Brie...
On a good note, every day, week, month that passes life gets a little bit easier to face. I feel like I'm not hiding from the world like I used to...I am able to face more things and routines. Yesterday I was able to go to school...only for an hour or so...but it was a huge step. I return to school in two weeks and I'm confident that it will be a difficult day but one more step forward.
I will never ever forget my Brie girl. I will always have a place for her in my heart, but I do look forward in the next few years of hearing my children's cries and laughs in our house.So as Brie's memorial service approaches in a little over a week, and we prepare for the emotions that will come from that day I do look forward to some closure, but inevitably I look forward to a better day.