Missing one daughter while carrying the other

I have been meaning to update my blog for the past few months, but this fall season has brought back so many memories of last year that I have found it very difficult. I keep looking back on a year ago and how much excitement I had for little Brie's upcoming arrival. A year ago today I was surprised at work with a baby shower. This was the shower where we received a case of diapers and our video monitor...both of which are still in the nursery, unopened and unused. As Brie's one year birthday approaches, we have been attending walks and memorial services offered through the hospital. We just ordered a plaque in her memory at the Angel of Hope children's garden in Orangeburg that will be installed in time for her birthday.
It seems like every Sunday in October has been some kind of emotional service or memorial. I have spent many afternoons at the graveside just sitting on the top of the hill at Brie's marker talking to my sweet girl about her sister and how grateful I am to be their mommy. It is just such a bittersweet time, to be remembering my oldest daughter and yet feeling the little kicks of little Isabel in my belly... my second daughter. Every day, I am full of anxiety and apprehension as my third trimester will be here in a week and a half. Most women find peace in the last trimester, finding comfort in the fact that no matter what happens the baby's chance of survival gets higher and higher...but for me this is the time that I have been anticipating...this time will it end differently? Will Isabel keep moving like she has been? Will we be able to raise her? My heart and mind are at constant odds...will there actually be a baby that we'll be able to bring home and raise? Will it end differently this time?

Dance for Jesus: Little Flutters

Dance for Jesus: Little Flutters: "Today I am sitting in my classroom anticipating what tomorrow, the first day of the new school year, will bring. Last year I was 24 weeks..."

Dance for Jesus: Forever Cousins

Dance for Jesus: Forever Cousins: "I am always in search of memorials to remember Brie. I have a charm bracelet from PJ, and over the past six months he has given me Brie's ..."

Dance for Jesus: Things You Shouldn't Say to a Woman Who Has Had a ...

Dance for Jesus: Things You Shouldn't Say to a Woman Who Has Had a ...: "After talking with different ladies who have experienced loss, we all seem to share some common experiences with people who (we think) who m..."

Dance for Jesus: Six months

Dance for Jesus: Six months: "Next Friday will be six months since Brie was born. Wow...six months...since the day my life will forever be changed. In those six months ..."

Spring Time

Today is Easter Sunday, a day of celebrating the resurrection of Jesus and spending that day with family. Never in my 31 years would I have thought that Easter Sunday would end up being a very difficult day for me. Since Brie passed away four months ago, every day is a struggle but those important family days are now very difficult for me. Everyone dresses up for Easter including little girls and it seemed that everywhere I turned there were beautiful baby girls all decked out in their Easter dresses. Simply a reminder of how life is now different and will always be difficult. My sister Beth Davis and her kids Madeline and Gabe (born three days before Brie) have been here with us for the past week, and it has been such a wonderful time with them but a very very difficult one for me. I feel like everywhere I look, Brie is missing. We took a day trip to the beach, and as Madeline played in the sand and ran to the ocean with her Grandma Mar I was reminded that I will never see Brie swim in the ocean or play with Grandma Mar.
Yes, I believe I will spend eternity with my daughter, but I am human and the here and now is really all I can understand. It bothers me when "super" Christians want to remind me that she's in heaven and I'll be able to see her one day but as "super" as any Christian would like to be, no one wants to say goodbye to their child before they ever got to experience life here on earth with them. People will remind me of how wonderful her life is in heaven, but truth be told...do they want their children in heaven already?
Every day I become more and more aware of what things I am missing with my daughter being gone and although the crying spells are shorter, it still hurts and it's very difficult to understand that I will never have her back in this life.
I go to a monthly support group and have decided to start a separate blog with information on dealing with stillbirth, books I've read, support groups in the area, etc. The blog is wwwbriehackett.blogspot.com if you know someone who might benefit from reading it. In the meantime, say a prayer for us as I attempt to find the courage and energy to face the rest of the school year with a smile on my face and decide how to spend my summer months.

Perfect Love Casts Away Fear

Now that spring is basically here, and we've turned out clocks ahead suddenly my grief seems fresh all over again. We conceived Brie either at the end of March or the first few days of April, so I'm feeling whole rush of emotion. The temperature change and the time change remind me of a very exciting time last year after trying to conceive her for 8 months. The last few days I have felt overcome with fear. PJ and both want more children and have been given the green light physically to try to conceive again, but both of us are downright terrified. Will another pregnancy help our grief or magnify it? Will another baby seem like a replacement or is there room in our hearts to grieve and miss Brie but pour our love on another child? And bottom line...will we lose another one?
I have been reading Hoda Kotb's biography and in it she discusses her battle with breastcancer. After having surgery and dealing with all of her own grief at having cancer, she changes her montra to "You can't scare me." As I was reading this part, I finally realized that the heart of my grief is fear. It all boils down to the fact that I am downright terrified of another pregnancy. My head thinks the same thing will happen because it's the only experience I have had. But, fear isn't from God, it's from Satan. The scripture "perfect love casts away all fear" has been in my mind, repeated over and over again since I read Hoda's words. So, now I am praying for the fear that is from Satan to be cast away and for perfect love to be replaced. Suddenly I feel a huge weight lifted. Do I know that the rest of my pregnancies will be perfect? No. Do I know that I will not bury another child? No. But I do know that perfect love casts away fear and I know that He who started a good work in me will see it to completion. So, now I trust that God will allow us to have healthy babies, and if He doesn't and we have to cross this bridge again I trust He will give me the strength and faith and hope to survive.
Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant again, but only about 9 or 10 weeks, and we were at the doctor's office. The doctor asked if we wanted to check for a heartbeat, and I (fearful) said "No, let's wait just incase." The doctor didn't listen to me and instead tried to find it, and there it was...strong and alive! In my dream we watched the little embryo moving around, full of life. I woke up full of hope....thank you, Lord! There is hope!

Back to school I go...

After being away from school for almost 3 months, I took the biggest step of faith I have had to take so far and came back to school this Monday. My mom came with me both for support and for extra help getting my classroom back in working order. It has sat empty since the middle of December. I am very very blessed to have the terrific classes that I have, the support of the entire department as well as the administration and am constantly offered help from other teachers...but emotionally this week has been one of my hardest yet.

The halls of this school as well as my classroom itself bring back alot of memories that I now have to face every single day. The last time I was at school was December 1st. Beth had just had Gabriel the previous day, and I remember getting ready for school that day (having no idea it would be my last until February 21st)and talking to Brie (as I always did) and telling her that we only had two more weeks to go, but since Aunt Beth had had Gabriel early, I remember telling her "Well,Brie it's just you and me for the rest of this journey. Only two weeks from today!" Little did I know that as I spent that last day at school, Brie had already passed away. We have been able to trace back, due to her most active movements during that last week, that she passed away the same day her cousin Gabriel was born, November 30.


Now here I am back in these same halls, almost three months later with a sad heart, a grieving spirit and an empty womb. It's difficult to walk the hallways that I walked through the majority of my pregnancy, full of excitement and anticipation of what the new year would bring. It's emotionally difficult to be alone in my classroom with all of the dreams and plans I made since I started teaching here in 2008. I even planned many of the details of our wedding in this classroom. When I first found out I was pregnant and had terrible nausea, I kept little candies and mints in my desk drawer and on more than one occasion had to go step out in the hall to take a breath to avoid throwing up! I returned to this classroom after many morning doctor's visits in the fall and winter. In fact, for the month of November, I came in late every Friday due to doctor's appointments.

Now, it's difficult when students I've had in the past wave at me or stop to give me a hug in the halls or tell me their church is praying for me.... or seeing other teachers who have had babies since Brie passed away, and their babies are fine and healthy and alive...and yet here I stand. I don't want to break down in sobs in the middle of school and so I choke back the tears and instead save them for when I go home and I feel safe to grieve.


Since the funeral, I have visited Brie's grave twice and brought new flowers every time. I cry everytime I visit the cemetery, not because she is in pain or suffering or that she is even there in that grave. I know that she is dancing with her Savior in a place I can only imagine...but my tears are for me and my heart and my silly little plans I had made and all the things I had looked forward to doing over the years as her mommy. The tears allow me to heal and it's only through shedding those tears and facing these scary school halls for the rest of the semester that my grieving will be complete and we'll be able to handle the future and what it holds, trying so hard not to keep turning around and dwelling on where we've been.


One thing is for sure: I will always love that sweet little girl that I had with me only 38 weeks, and I will forever be changed by my time with her. I have hope for more children, and I trust God to bring me children that will live. I have hope to be a mommy here on earth and carry out all the earthly dreams I had for Brie with other children. I think only through more children will my joy return to me. But in the meantime, I will face every day back at school and try to keep my eyes facing forward.

I Go Back to December All the Time...

Brie was born on December 3rd, and since then I have either been given or have made various things to help me always remember her.
1.) PJ gave me a charm bracelet for my birthday in October and now finds charms for me for different holidays or birthdays. These are my three favorite charms. The green is PJ's birthstone, the pink is mine and the light blue is Brie's. I love that these three are together on my bracelet and on my arm everyday.
2.) My mom gave me a beatiful remembrance bracelet wth Brie's name engraved (her birthday is engraved on the back.)
3.) As Brie's memorial service approaches next Saturday, I find it helps me to make things that will help me remember my sweet girl, and I just finished her shadow box. It has taken me over a month to make this...I would start working on it, have a meltdown and have to start again a few days later. I am really happy with how it turned out.
4.) I am also grateful to the nurses at Lexington Medical Center for giving me Brie's handprints and footprints in plaster, and I display them on my nightstand to start each day seeing. I especially love that it captures the fact that she had PJ's toes...her second toe is longer than her first toe.

Amid the sadness, these are a few things that help to give me hope during the days and weeks ahead.

Two months later

Well, it's February 3rd, which means it's been two months since we lost our sweet Brie. Two months seems like a long time, and sometimes it does seem that it was years ago that I was pregnant and Brie was alive and kicking and dancing in my belly. Was it just two months ago that I held my sweet girl? That I gazed at her beautiful lips, dark head of hair...daddy's feet and ears...so sweet and perfect... and kept waiting for her to wake up or start crying. She had the most adorable little nose. Now, two months later it's so hard for me to see babies. I used to love seeing babies everywhere and looked forward to my own babies. Since the day my youngest sister Aly was born (19 years ago) and I held her and saw how teeny tiny all of her little features were and how much she changed from day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year, I couldn't wait until I held my own baby in my arms. Why, God? Why can't I have this with Brie? Remind me why we had to go throught this experience? Is there any good that will come from all this sadness?

As time passes, I have come to realize that PJ and I grieve very differently. When I'm upset I want to be in Brie's room, sit in her rocker, look at her pictures...really be immersed in everything I have of her. Her blanket still very faintly smells like her, and I think this is my way of having her with me. PJ grieves much differently, quietly but just as strongly. Things that bring me hope and peace are scriptures of hope and peace, and I find the longer time passes the less I blame God and the more I am running to Jesus to find my comfort.
I know that my Brie is in heaven with Jesus, and I know there is no pain or sorrow in heaven so I have to trust that she is in the best hands she could be in....but it's still so difficult to me, her mommmy, that I can't see her again until the day I die...it's hard...I want to hear a baby crying...I want to see her grow like her cousin Gabe has grown since he was born (three days before Brie.) How much would Brie have changed? What would she look like now? My heart aches because I miss my girl all the time. Yes, we will have more children but I'll never have my Brie...
On a good note, every day, week, month that passes life gets a little bit easier to face. I feel like I'm not hiding from the world like I used to...I am able to face more things and routines. Yesterday I was able to go to school...only for an hour or so...but it was a huge step. I return to school in two weeks and I'm confident that it will be a difficult day but one more step forward.
I will never ever forget my Brie girl. I will always have a place for her in my heart, but I do look forward in the next few years of hearing my children's cries and laughs in our house.So as Brie's memorial service approaches in a little over a week, and we prepare for the emotions that will come from that day I do look forward to some closure, but inevitably I look forward to a better day.

Brie's Song

I love the words to this song by Chris Rice. When I was pregnant, whenever I would sing or be around music, Brie "danced" in my belly. When I found out that she had passed away, I knew that she was now dancing with Jesus. My dad also said he could picture her in heaven dancing with her Savior. I look forward to the day when I too can "fly to Jesus" and be reunited with my sweet little girl. I think this song is just perfect and describes where she is now. It will be sung at her memorial service in a few weeks.
“Fly to Jesus”
Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for love is passing by,
Come to Jesus, Come to Jesus, Come to Jesus and live.
Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so
Sing to Jesus , Sing to Jesus , Sing to Jesus and live.
And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall...
so Fall on Jesus, Fall on Jesus, Fall on Jesus and live.
Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then
Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus and live.
O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside...
then Dance for Jesus, Dance for Jesus, Dance for Jesus and live.
And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on glory's side... and
Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus and live,
Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus and live.

Time to face the world again

Since Brie passed away this December, my life has definitely changed and I am realizing more and more everyday that it will never be the same. This is now my reality:
1.) I will never raise my firstborn.
2.) Our family will always be missing one member.
3.) When people ask me if I have any children, I have to admit that my only child is already with Jesus.
4.) I have a nice vertical line on my belly (which honestly is my favorite body part) which reminds me of those glorious days of pregnancy when Brie was still alive in me.
5.) I have a beautiful nursery that sits empty
6.) I will never raise my little girl
7.) I am still struggling with depression every single day.

I am starting to face the world again through small baby steps. For example, I can go to church again. I can drive again on my own. I can talk on the phone again. These baby steps probably seem ridiculous to anyone who has never experienced loss, but taking these steps is the only way for me to get back to real life again. I have to daily remind myself tha I am choosing to live for each day, and honestly handling the next day is way beyond what I can handle. I am having a very difficult time when
1.) girls I know announce that they're expecting a baby
2.) girls I know who were pregnant at the same time as I was have their babies with no problems
3.) I see baby girls or even little girls in public.

These three things still "set me off" into a downpour of tears. I just want to tell the expectant moms, "Careful, don't get excited because your baby may die out of the blue like mine did." I have alot of bitterness that I need to work on, and I realize that...but it's where I'm at right now. Can anyone blame me? I had 9 and 1/2 months of a perfect pregnancy and then one day Brie simply passed away...just like that...and we are left with a beautiful nursery that is ready for no one...and a dresser full of clothes that she will never wear...a carseat and stroller that just sit unused...I live in a house with a room that I can't bear to sit in for longer than a few minutes, and I'm working on a shadow box to remember her...a shadow box...to remember my child...
I keep getting upset at myself for planning so much; maybe if I hadn't planned and worked so hard on her nursery this emptiness wouldn't be so vast...maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad...but the reality is, my first child died and we are having her funeral in a few weeks, and we have picked out her spot at the memoral gardens, and they are working on her grave marker...for my child.

How can I be 31 years old and already burying my first chld before I ever experienced her living and breathing on this earth? How can I ever be pregnant again and not be terrified the whole time that I'll lose that child too? Everyone seems to give me their "words of wisdom" about getting pregnant again, but really it boils down to the fact that if you walked in my shoes you would be scared too. I cry at night because our house is too quiet...I want to hear babies laughing and crying, and yet it's still silent. Yes, a new pregnancy will be exciting but also very scary for me...what will we do if we lose another one? How will I move on from two losses?

On a lighter note, my new routine consists of going to the gym most days and working out my aggression and getting into the best shape I can. It helps to push away the depression and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. I continue to take my anti-anxiety medication with plans to start coming off of it little by little in the next months so I can face the world again on my own. My plans for the next few months are to keep facing each day as it comes, one day at a time...eventually get up the courage to walk back through the doors of my school which seems like the greatest hurdle I can even envision...and just keep breathing...