Brie's Song

I love the words to this song by Chris Rice. When I was pregnant, whenever I would sing or be around music, Brie "danced" in my belly. When I found out that she had passed away, I knew that she was now dancing with Jesus. My dad also said he could picture her in heaven dancing with her Savior. I look forward to the day when I too can "fly to Jesus" and be reunited with my sweet little girl. I think this song is just perfect and describes where she is now. It will be sung at her memorial service in a few weeks.
“Fly to Jesus”
Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for love is passing by,
Come to Jesus, Come to Jesus, Come to Jesus and live.
Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so
Sing to Jesus , Sing to Jesus , Sing to Jesus and live.
And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall...
so Fall on Jesus, Fall on Jesus, Fall on Jesus and live.
Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then
Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus and live.
O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside...
then Dance for Jesus, Dance for Jesus, Dance for Jesus and live.
And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on glory's side... and
Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus and live,
Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus and live.

Time to face the world again

Since Brie passed away this December, my life has definitely changed and I am realizing more and more everyday that it will never be the same. This is now my reality:
1.) I will never raise my firstborn.
2.) Our family will always be missing one member.
3.) When people ask me if I have any children, I have to admit that my only child is already with Jesus.
4.) I have a nice vertical line on my belly (which honestly is my favorite body part) which reminds me of those glorious days of pregnancy when Brie was still alive in me.
5.) I have a beautiful nursery that sits empty
6.) I will never raise my little girl
7.) I am still struggling with depression every single day.

I am starting to face the world again through small baby steps. For example, I can go to church again. I can drive again on my own. I can talk on the phone again. These baby steps probably seem ridiculous to anyone who has never experienced loss, but taking these steps is the only way for me to get back to real life again. I have to daily remind myself tha I am choosing to live for each day, and honestly handling the next day is way beyond what I can handle. I am having a very difficult time when
1.) girls I know announce that they're expecting a baby
2.) girls I know who were pregnant at the same time as I was have their babies with no problems
3.) I see baby girls or even little girls in public.

These three things still "set me off" into a downpour of tears. I just want to tell the expectant moms, "Careful, don't get excited because your baby may die out of the blue like mine did." I have alot of bitterness that I need to work on, and I realize that...but it's where I'm at right now. Can anyone blame me? I had 9 and 1/2 months of a perfect pregnancy and then one day Brie simply passed away...just like that...and we are left with a beautiful nursery that is ready for no one...and a dresser full of clothes that she will never wear...a carseat and stroller that just sit unused...I live in a house with a room that I can't bear to sit in for longer than a few minutes, and I'm working on a shadow box to remember her...a shadow box...to remember my child...
I keep getting upset at myself for planning so much; maybe if I hadn't planned and worked so hard on her nursery this emptiness wouldn't be so vast...maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad...but the reality is, my first child died and we are having her funeral in a few weeks, and we have picked out her spot at the memoral gardens, and they are working on her grave marker...for my child.

How can I be 31 years old and already burying my first chld before I ever experienced her living and breathing on this earth? How can I ever be pregnant again and not be terrified the whole time that I'll lose that child too? Everyone seems to give me their "words of wisdom" about getting pregnant again, but really it boils down to the fact that if you walked in my shoes you would be scared too. I cry at night because our house is too quiet...I want to hear babies laughing and crying, and yet it's still silent. Yes, a new pregnancy will be exciting but also very scary for me...what will we do if we lose another one? How will I move on from two losses?

On a lighter note, my new routine consists of going to the gym most days and working out my aggression and getting into the best shape I can. It helps to push away the depression and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. I continue to take my anti-anxiety medication with plans to start coming off of it little by little in the next months so I can face the world again on my own. My plans for the next few months are to keep facing each day as it comes, one day at a time...eventually get up the courage to walk back through the doors of my school which seems like the greatest hurdle I can even envision...and just keep breathing...