I have been meaning to update my blog for the past few months, but this fall season has brought back so many memories of last year that I have found it very difficult. I keep looking back on a year ago and how much excitement I had for little Brie's upcoming arrival. A year ago today I was surprised at work with a baby shower. This was the shower where we received a case of diapers and our video monitor...both of which are still in the nursery, unopened and unused. As Brie's one year birthday approaches, we have been attending walks and memorial services offered through the hospital. We just ordered a plaque in her memory at the Angel of Hope children's garden in Orangeburg that will be installed in time for her birthday.
It seems like every Sunday in October has been some kind of emotional service or memorial. I have spent many afternoons at the graveside just sitting on the top of the hill at Brie's marker talking to my sweet girl about her sister and how grateful I am to be their mommy. It is just such a bittersweet time, to be remembering my oldest daughter and yet feeling the little kicks of little Isabel in my belly... my second daughter. Every day, I am full of anxiety and apprehension as my third trimester will be here in a week and a half. Most women find peace in the last trimester, finding comfort in the fact that no matter what happens the baby's chance of survival gets higher and higher...but for me this is the time that I have been anticipating...this time will it end differently? Will Isabel keep moving like she has been? Will we be able to raise her? My heart and mind are at constant odds...will there actually be a baby that we'll be able to bring home and raise? Will it end differently this time?
1 comment:
Sarah, what a beautiful and eloquent post. You capture what I am also feeling so well. Praying for you to know God's peace as you go into your last trimester.
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